This weekend was one of those “setback” experiences Chris Wark talks about in “Beat Cancer Daily.” To see the list of books I am going through, see the “Books I am Reading” list on the right sidebar. I had a bit to process and I will explain below.
On May 20 I met with a surgeon who gave me all the ins and outs of what surgery would look like and my options to have it before or after chemo/radiation. For anyone who knows me, this is something I always look for ways to heal before going the more invasive route. And that I have been doing as actively and wisely as I have known how. In this appointment the surgeon did two types of exams of the tumor and measured the tumor to be 8 cm into the inside of the rectum. She told me that it was in a good location for surgery.
On June 24 I met with a second surgeon for a second opinion. She told me mostly similar things and when she did the rectal exams, she was not able to locate the tumor. She went in 12 cm and could not find the tumor. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions and get my hopes up without confirmation so when I met with my oncologist we got an MRI set up.
On July 18 I went in for the MRI and on July, 19 I got the summary report in my My Chart and have yet to discuss it with both my doctors. I happen to like to read my results/summaries and see what I can understand out of them and develop my set of questions going in to meet with the doctor. So, I have some questions, but one thing that looks very clear is that the tumor went from a T3 to a T4, which it would have been better to have gone down to a T2 at least. It looks like the tumor is still contained, but not going the direction we were hoping for.
This has felt like a bit of a blow for me and I have been processing a bit with the Lord over the weekend. Also, Dan and I went to receive prayer locally from a place a friend told him about. I blogged the encouraging word and picture from the Lord and you can read that here.
In the meantime, it’s been a bit of a journey picking myself up, dusting myself off, and starting all over again. Dan and I wound down the weekend by going to the lake, talking, reading our Bibles, and watching the sunset. It was a healing time for me. As I went to bed last night, what came to mind is “fight!”
Yes, I need to heal, but I also need to fight. I saw a reel a little while back and the message was that the mindset around cancer is that it's something to beat when it should be it's something to heal. I do agree with that, and I also believe that healing takes a fight. So, I think it is both right to say that my body can heal from cancer and that I can beat the cancer. You see, I have a past track record of being passive and of giving into a victim mentality. I see the idea of healing to be neutral, therefore there can be a calm that can easily slide into passivity and there can be a fight that can easily slide into panic or trying to control or manipulate the situation. I don't want to fall into either of those or swing from one to the other. I want to be steady and strong in the Lord, walking in His leading, living out His strength within me, fighting my battle in His power.
So, last night I felt like the Lord want to give or inspire a fighting spirit in me. My slate is wiped clean and I can do all things in Him. I am depending on the Lord to show me what that looks like with every step along the way. This morning the Lord gave me the following inspiration: Fighting Spirit = Facing my day "head on" with boldness and intentionality
Rebuking this feeling of wanting to run away, avoid, hide, stay home and wallow. Don't give into it AT ALL! I felt knocked down, the wind knocked out of my sail, but I can, am, and will pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. And, I feel inspired and I will "build back better," as they say. I have my assignment for today and I am heading into the day feeling intentional and strong.
From one of my declaration cards:
Do not rejoice over me, my enemy!
When I fall, I shall rise and stand!
When I sit in darkness the Lord will be light to me!
Micah 7:8
Do not rejoice over me [amid my tragedies], O my enemy!
Though I fall, I will rise;
Though I sit in the darkness [of distress], the Lord is a light for me!
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