This image came across my IG feed and it really fit what I was thinking. In some ways it's been a rough week, but I have a hard time focusing on that because I feel so grateful for all the goodness in my life. How does one validate hard days and moments but also remain upbeat? I am learning that. My heart is to not pretending everything is great and also to not dwell on the challenges some days bring. I desire to be real and open. So, a word that came to me is "bittersweet." It has been becoming very evident to me that every area of life seems to be bittersweet, there are always two sides and it's up to us to look for the sweet when the bitter attempts to weigh us down.
I started my week off "like a boss" as the kids say. How can I be this old, that I can use this term now? Okay, so. Tuesday morning I prepared for my terrain blood test by fasting and heading in to IVNV. In the past I had to work myself up mentally for both the IV's and blood draws, but this week I didn't feel the need to and just went for it with the mindset "it's just a period of time and it will be over and I will be on to other things." With my IV's we use 22 gauge needle, which is the smallest because I have small veins and it works well. To draw blood we need to go to the bigger 20 gauge needle and so I ask to use Lidocaine to ease the discomfort. So, my veins didn't cooperate this time and the first poke was quite painful and didn't work out. So we looked at my hand which looked pretty promising. That one barely hurt going in, so I was happy and waiting to hear the "clicking" sound that tells me all is good, the needle is out and the catheter is in and working well. I either look away or close my eyes. After the first attempt I had my eyes tightly closed. I started to feel some burning pain and was beginning to sense something wasn't working out like we were hoping. Eric removed the needle, we reconvened, and talked about what we could do different. Eric and, really, all of them there don't like poking any of us more than once so I could feel his concern and frustration about the situation as we came up with a new game plan. We decided to go into the other arm with the smaller 22 gauge needle and test drawing the blood though it normally doesn't work well. If not we would do a separate draw with a butterfly needle from the IV. Well, good news! It worked like a charm and once it was done I could let out a deep breath. Then it was business as usually with the Artemisinin and HD C. The whole scene was hard on both of us, Eric felt really bad and I felt overwhelmed and a bit emotional, though I tried to hide it. I know it makes them feel bad when it doesn't go well, and I feel like being emotional makes it worse so I try not to go there. I messaged Dan and was glad he was available to encourage me. I feel like I am getting more sensitive to my body and what it does, as I felt like my nervous system was off for a few days after. Eric sincerely apologized to me and, of course, it's not his fault. I have been doing this since July and I don't know how long I will be continuing to do this, and I expect I will have some stories by the end. So, as things wound down Eric explained what had happened to my hand. I noticed it looked a bit bruised and when the bandage came off, the area was a bit swollen. He said he got the needle in great, but then he had to navigate it through an area that was like a Y and it ended up poking through the vein and... well, he was kind enough to not give much more description. Let's just say it was swollen for about a day and a little tender. But it didn't look all bruised like he thought it might.
So, while I was processing things after my appointment, I was thinking about what happened and grateful because everything could be worse. Things, just in general, could be a whole lot worse. I chose to think about how good things are going for me right now and the word "bittersweet" kept coming up. No one wants cancer, or any other chronic illness. No one. Yet, so many people that I have talked to who have been through it or are going through it have the same position as I am finding myself in. So many amazing things are coming from the diagnosis and everything related along the way, amazing things that wouldn't have been experienced otherwise. Cancer is BITTERSWEET.
I have made new friends along the way. SWEET! New friends that I would not have met if I didn't have cancer, friends that ask questions and pray with me, friends that I met as a result of the cancer. Some of which we got together this week and shared our goings on with each other. Our joys and our challenges, our BITTERSWEET! We prayed for each other. That IS SO SWEET! I couldn't help but feel so blessed to know these new friends, realizing, I wouldn't have them in my life if I didn't experience the BITTER. Do you see where I am going?
Another friend has been sacrificially spending her time to share a modality that she uses for her own health and we nerd out on health stuff together. That is so SWEET! Something I probably wouldn't be doing without the BITTER.
This week I have also been experiencing a bit more fatigue and that has been BITTER. It's pretty frustrating because there are things I want to get done, things that need to be done. I had to miss doing a couple of things I wanted to do this week that I really enjoy. So, it forces me to change my focus and take time to slow down. In many ways that is SWEET because I can have a tendency to go and go and go.
This week I got to get back to a full body massage, which my nervous system and muscles needed SO MUCH. Another blessing is that I met my massage therapist at the local massage school, she recently graduated and opened her business in CDA. She is a huge blessing and support to me in my healing journey. This is totally SWEET!
So here's another thing that I am looking at the bittersweet sides of... my lab results. So, there is some bitter news... Chromogranin A is one of the cancer markers we are watching as we do this test every 6 weeks. In January I was quite happy to see it "in range" and today I was disappointed to see it back up. That was BITTER. But, it wasn't as high as it was in December, SWEET. So, looking over the rest of the results. the BUN/Creatin Ratio went up - BITTER. Carbon Dioxide stayed the same. But look at that, the rest of the results that were out of range either went down or went down and back into range. So, that is SWEET!
So, here's my perspective. There are some things I know that I can do better at, as far as my protocol goes. If you have seen my protocol you know that it is very labor intensive and involves A LOT! I often say that it's a full time job to take care of me! These past couple of weeks I have gotten tired of it all, fatigued, and a bit lazy. So this is a butt kicker, to pick myself up and start all over again. I know what things I can do better at and I will do that. I have one more lab test to take the 1st week of April (Circulating Tumor Cells) and then I meet with Dr. Cochran to discuss all this.
So, we head into this weekend celebrating Dan's birthday with the whole family! SWEET! That is going to make my day and his! In all of this, I know the Lord is with me and He never forsakes me and that is the best thing ever, the SWEETEST thing ever. He is my peace, He is my comfort, He is my joy in the middle of difficulties.
If you relate to anything I am writing about, I would love to hear about it. Feel free to comment below, send me a message, or give me a call... I would love to hear about your BITTERSWEET!
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